A Letter To My Brother IV

Posted: October 24, 2012 in Letters To My Brother
Tags: , , , , , ,

Written:  April 10th, 2011

Dear Scott,

Its been 9 months since you left me and each day that passes by I realize its never going to get easier knowing you’re gone.  I go to bed thinking about you every night and every morning I wake up heart broken, because I know its another day I have to spend without you.  I really miss the stories and laughs we shared.  I find myself using your lines on a daily basis and it always makes me smile when I catch someone off guard with them. 

You taught me so much about how to live and how to reach people using my mind and more importantly my heart.  You meant the world to me and I would do anything just to have one more day with you.  Even if we didn’t see each other or even talk I would just be happy knowing that you were there.

We didn’t always get along or see eye to eye, but we were brothers and that bond was stronger than anything I have ever known.  Its ironic that you were the biggest asshole I have ever met, but somehow through your charm everyone loved you.  Even when we were kids I would tell you and everyone else that I hated you, but the second you weren’t looking I was trying to be just like you.  I would copy your gestures, facial expressions and whatever else I could copy to be like you.  Now that you are gone I find it harder and harder to remember what it was like to be you. 

I really miss the way Charlie and I would make you laugh so hard that you had trouble breathing.  I miss fighting you in the kitchen even though you always won, or at least I let you think you won.  Well alright maybe you did win.  I really miss you teaching me things about cooking.  You taught me a lot, but what I remember the most is the  way you looked when you were teaching me.  You had such a proud look on your face when I would learn something new from you.  I never told you or anyone else this, but there were more than a few times where I already knew what you were trying to teach me, but I played stupid just so you would take the time to share something with me.  I really loved the time you and I spent together in the kitchen. 

Fuck sir I am still so confused over all of this…I just don’t understand why the fuck I had to lose you so soon.  I know life isn’t always supposed to make sense, but this is bullshit.  I should have had so much more time with you and it pisses me off that I don’t.  You were supposed to be indestructible and out live all of us.  I wasn’t ready for this at all and I’m still not ready.  Calling Charlie that day was the hardest thing I have ever done and I will never forget what it felt like because I relive that pain every single day.  This shit fucking kills me and I hate being mad but I want you back and would do anything to get that. 

There are so many things you and I could have shared through the years and even though people will say that you are still with me in spirit I don’t care about that shit. I guess I am just being selfish but I just want you here with me.  I feel like there is a giant hole that will never be filled again and it really hurts.  Thank god I have an amazing wife, family and  friends that keep me smiling through the tough times.  With out them I have no idea what I would do.  I have become close so many people in the last year and I really wish you could have met someone of them. 

Well I think I have reached my emotional threshold for the day so I will end this note for now.  Just please know that I will never forget you and I promise that I will keep you in my  heart forever sir.  Stay golden Ponyboy.


Your heart broken brother,

Nick aka: The Amazing Flying Mayo

  1. mjthecreator says:

    So sorry for your loss. Reading this made me appreciate my own siblings, family, and the great people I have in my life and you can never do too much of that. Whatever you think of the afterlife, and no matter how much pain you feel now, I hope you realize how much of him you can never lose.

  2. Karron says:

    In 1996, my oldest son was murdered, along with his best friend. My younger son is still heartbroken and misses his big brother every single day. Life moves on, and you learn to live through the loss, but you never get over it. Every time my son takes his Harley out for a ride, he thinks of his brother. It breaks my heart. So I understand, a bit, how you feel right now. It is still early for you, cling on to the memories. Write them down, every story, every event you can remember, because they will be something wonderful to share with your children. My grandchildren love “Uncle Arron” stories from their Daddy.

  3. It never goes away..just gets easier to deal with from day to day. I’m sure you figured that out already. Love your “Stay gold, Ponyboy.” Awesome sentiment from an awesome book.

  4. Skye says:


    I had a brother named Scott too, and he died. I came across your blog because you liked my post (thanks, by the way, I appreciate it!). If you want to know about my brother, read my post – I Will Remember You, or, A Shopping List is No Substitute for a Brother. I like talking about who he was, sharing him a bit with the world. I know what you mean about finding it harder and harder to remember, as time goes on. Its so sad that our brothers are no longer changing – they don’t get older, get parking tickets, fall in and out of love, call us up to say hi – we don’t get any new memories. That sucks man.

  5. I feel you. It’s really hard. A part of us goes with them, and we can never get it back.
    And she is right, it never really goes away, but it get’s softer.
    Thank you for sharing your words, and your honesty. Beautiful post.

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