A Letter To My Brother

Posted: October 17, 2012 in Letters To My Brother
Tags: , , , , , , ,

For those of you that have been reading this blog for more than a few days knows I had a Brother that passed away 2 years ago.  If you don’t know anything about it read THIS.  After I lost him I searched for something to help me cope with  the sadness I had inside of me.  I kept wishing I could talk to him one more time, so I started to wrote him letters.  So far I have written 5 of them, and with each one I feel it eases some of the pain I have felt everyday since he left this world.

I have given it a lot of thought, and came to the the decision to share the letters with all of you.  I just feel, that by sharing them Scott’s memory will live forever.  He would have loved to have something written about him read by people all around the world so this is my gift to him.

This first letter was written 08/07/10 (just about a month after he passed away).

Dear Scott,

Its been almost a month since you left us and I still find it hard to get back to my life.  Every night I lay in my bed, close my eyes and instantly start to think of you.  As much as it breaks my heart each night, I wouldn’t want it any other way. Nobody in my life has made more of an impression on me than you. You have laughed with me at my best and supported me at my worse, and I will never forget that. I love telling people stories of us growing up together….and the looks I get when I try to describe relations of our family are priceless. I still find that drawing a picture is the best way to do it. After I finish placing all our family members people always say, “oh so Scott is your half brother.” Not to be petty but that has always pissed me off. You have always been my brother….not a half brother or what anyone else would consider us to be. I loved you more than any two men can love each other that aren’t having sex (you know you would have laughed at that if you were here). Its funny how things work out though….you are the one person who I have loved more than anyone else I have ever known and yet you are the same guy that I have hated more than anyone else as well. I look back at things now and they make me laugh but back then I would have loved to punched you right in the dick. You remember how when we used to hang out with Dawn and Carl over on 4th ave? You know what I remember from back then? Let me give you a clue, “LIKE A RHINESTONE COWBOY.” Whenever I would start to talk you and Carl would say that over and over again till I just gave up talking altogether. As I type this now I can’t help but to smile at the shear stupidity of it all but damn I hated that. You always knew just what to do to push my buttons and just like all big brothers, you pushed them all the time. There were a few times I have been able to get you back though. Two times stick out more than any others. The first one starts with me finishing lunch and trying to put my plate and fork in the sink.  I say try because for some reason every time I tried to stand up you would push me back down on the couch. Fuck that was annoying!! Although you laughed very hard that day, you have to admit that I had the last laugh. I’m not even sure what I was thinking when I picked up my fork and through it at you but I will never forget what I was thinking after it stuck directly in your arm;  HOLY SHIT THE FORK IS IN HIS ARM!!! I thought for sure that you would pull the fork out and use it to take my heart out but to my surprise you calmly yanked it from your arm, cracked a smile and walked away. That wasn’t the only time I got you back and it sure wasn’t the only time that I thought you were seriously going to kill me. I bet you can guess where I am going with this one, that’s right, its the nude girlfriend picture. When I found that picture in your box I thought all my prayers were answered.  For once I thought I had the upper hand over you, and c’mon it was boobies!! I knew exactly what I was going to do with it, but there was one problem, I felt really bad because the girl in the picture was really sweet and I didn’t want to embarrass her. I came up with the idea to cut her head off the picture so no one would ever know who she was. Yeah that didn’t work out so well. I guess I underestimated how many people knew who your girlfriend was and how quickly it would get back to you. Damn there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t expect the beating of my life but once again it never came. It was almost like you gained a little respect for your younger brother for finally standing up to you in some way. That was one thing I always had for you sir, RESPECT. Anyone who knows where you and I came from knows that we always had to struggle to get where we are now. I was always so proud and even amazed at how you moved to Florida and were able to excel at everything you tried. It was incredible that you dropped out of high school your Sophomore year and with no education or training of any kind you became a stockbroker and then when that bored you, you became a chef. It was because of you that I really got into cooking. I felt like it was a way for you and I to be closer even though you were so far away. I always had dreams that you and I would open a restaurant or start a catering business together. It wouldn’t have mattered what we did though, because I just wanted to be near you at all times. But now it is too late and I wish there were more things we could have done together. However, the reality is that your gone and even though I carry you in my heart wherever I go it will never feel the same as having you right here next to me. This isn’t the first time in my life I had to say good-bye to you but its the one that will always hurt the most. When you left Jersey I really felt lost for a long time. Even though you and I were going through some tough times as brothers I was so sad to see you leave. I wrote something for you back then and with you leaving me again it makes me think a lot about it. I remember when you read it for the first time and you called me. I heard such an honest sadness in your voice that I will never forget. I realize now that you hated leaving me as much I hated watching you leave. Anyway for old times sake here is what I wrote to you.

Dear Scott, 

Man I miss you bro, more than you will ever know.

You have been my mentor and my idol, and it is because of you my life is meaningful.

On that day that you left mom’s house, I felt my heart shrink to the size of a mouse.

I cried all night and for the rest of the year, it was a time in my life that I needed you near.

I understand why you left and I will never blame you,  for you only did what you knew you had to.

I look back at the time gone by, when you were in the same house and I ask myself why?

Why didn’t I spend time with you back then? Now that you are so far away I long for that chance again.

I know that we are so far apart and not easy to reach, but I still love you and yearn for all that you can teach. 
Yeah so I know its kinda gay but it was what helped me cope with what I was feeling which is why I am probably writing this to you now. I am dealing with so many strong emotions right now that I don’t know what to do with them all and sometimes I feel like I can’t even bare it anymore. You never believed in god or heaven and hell but you did believe that when we died there was an energy that left out bodies and went out into atmosphere and became part of everything. I am hoping that your energy is all around me and somehow this letter gets to you so you know how much you are loved and missed. If you are around me I hope that you are not watching the wife and I sexing (once again if you were here you would have laughed at that). Well sir I feel like I have laid enough of my feelings on the table for one night. Just please never for get that I will always love you and will never forget you.

Till next time, your heart broken brother,

Nick aka The Amazing Flying Mayo!!

Scott and I circa ’89
  1. Nick, that is so sad… funny and so beautiful at the same time, it made me laugh a few times, I am so sorry you lost your brother, I know what it is like to lose people you really love, your brother would be so honored and grateful to have such an amazing brother write such amazing things about him… God forbid I die young I would be so happy if someone said half these kind of things about me. I know what it is like to struggle and I dropped out of college and sometimes I still can’t believe I got the job I have now which supposedly requires a degree, yet I didn’t go to University I just started at the bottom and worked my way up and it was tough! I can relate to this a lot…You know he can feel this and I am sure if you really try and connect, you will KNOW inside, what his response to your pain and letters would be, I am not so sure I am religious anymore as so much crazy shit keeps happening in my life but all I know is that wherever your brother is, he is so proud to have such a great brother and humbled by how much you looked up to him, this piece from you really touched my heart and I had to tell you just how much it moved me. I like the way you made it like a poem beneath the first letter, you are a great writer and I am sure you don’t need me to tell you that to know that… You have given him a great gift and he will live on through you… The fork thing had me in stitches, I have been in similar situations when in the heat of the moment you flip, then like FUCK! I didn’t ACTUALLY mean to do that, well not to that extent! = ] I don’t believe in half of anything, brothers are brothers and I know that because my Dad and his brother were both adopted, yet you would NEVER think any different then if they were blood or not, also over the years I myself have found that blood doesn’t mean shit and members of my own BLOOD family I despise and will never give them the time of day, it is what you get out of the relationship with people that matters most… I used to write a diary, I still do, through my blog, although many MANY posts are in draft… = ] Just good to get shit off your chest, I even used to talk out loud when nobody was around to people that I have lost as deep inside when you know someone well enough, your heart knows exactly what they would have said in response… Thank you for sharing your gift to your brother with us…. Beautiful, this is WHY you are my favorite blogger X ~Vagenda Vixen~

    • Nick says:

      Thank you so much for the kind words. I never expected to be anyone’s favorite blogger so to hear that from you really touches my heart.

      • Well I don’t lie, your posts are meaningful, interesting and I can relate to them, especially the one about people at work talking about politics! YAWN! SHUT UP! Lol anyway, keep doing what you do as you are very good at it, you have inspired me to put more thought into what I post and for that I thank you. I am honored to follow you and love the way you share your life with us, I look forward to your new posts and when you were ill I was a bit like “Wheres Nick gone?!” I need to change my page layout in a way that shows my followers etc… I really just post I couldn’t tell you exactly what I am doing, I just picked a theme “origin” and cracked on, any pointers you can give would be appreciated! X

      • Nick says:

        The only pointer I can give you about blogging, is the one I follow myself. Write as much as you can about whatever you want, but always be true to yourself. Never edit your writing to appease others and never change your opinion because someone else thinks you’re wrong. If you believe in what you write, your opinions will never be wrong.

      • Thank you for the great advice… But I meant I need help and pointers with my Layout as in My blog layout like when you go on my blog I want people to be able to see my folloers etcdo you know what I mean hun, not the words, the way it is set out LOL All the same a lovely comment!

  2. Fumi says:

    He “is” a very good looking guy. And I use the present tense because I’ve just met him, so to speak, through your post and it is obvious he still lives in you.

    You are a very lucky person to have learned that sort of love and not shy from it. It is bold and not many men will own up to it. And some day, when you are least expecting it, something is going to happen that is going to make you realize that all of this that you have posted today is going to be the core of that one thing in the future.

    What a beautiful gift.

  3. so sorry for your loss nick, i hope your sadness will lessen in time…time heals. thank you for sharing this touching post with us.

    • Nick says:

      You’re welcome and thank you for reading it. I hope the sadness never leaves me, because then I will feel like I’ve reached a point when I don’t miss him anymore.

  4. John says:

    Good Lord Nick, Fumi said it so well. I believe only a man of great courage would share something so personal. You most certainly have my respect. God bless you.

  5. petit4chocolatier says:

    So young. Sorry for your loss Nick.

  6. neelkanth says:

    My sincere sympathies are always with you.

  7. wildkey669 says:

    Wow. This really hit home. Although I am lucky enough to still have my brother, he is the best person and my favorite person in the entire world. I recently moved across the country away from my entire family and he’s the only person I miss. Brothers are the absolute best. Yours sounded amazing. Thanks for sharing.

    • Nick says:

      I am so grateful that I still have my younger brother Charlie. Losing Scott has brought Charlie and I closer than we have ever been before. We will never get over losing Scott, but at least having each other will soften the blow a little.

  8. beadstork says:

    Moved to tears. At work. With patients to see.

  9. I am so sorry for your loss. Seems like a great guy. No matter how much time has passed, we never forget those we’ve lost. That’s a beautiful letter to your brother, and I’m sure somehow and wherever he is, he’s reading it and smiling.

  10. pwettyfly says:

    thank you for sharing this. it reminds us to not take for granted the people we love, that we should ask them more often how they are doing, and show them that we love them.

  11. zelmare says:

    How wonderful to have had that. I never had a brother or sister, and I think I missed out on a lot. I’m sorry for your loss.

  12. reigh says:

    So sorry for your loss. I lost my brother too, younger brother…5.5 yrs ago. I have not been brave enough to put my thoughts into words for him as you have for your brother. Thanks for sharing such a deep part of yourself.

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