So Here’s The Truth…

Posted: August 27, 2012 in Random Thoughts
Tags: , , , , ,

Just about everyday I am asked a question that basically rips my heart out.  Its a question that I usually try to avoid and when forced to answer, lie about.  I have been dodging it like the plague for almost 5 years now and I am done running from it.  Well before we go any further, I suppose I should tell you the question.

“When are you going to have kids?”

The answers I have given in the past don’t really matter anymore, because the real answer is, I can’t have kids.

My wife and I were trying for a while and it just wasn’t happening.  After a bit of time we sought help from a Fertility Doctor.  He ran all kinds of tests on Tina (wife) and then me.  It turns out that I am the problem.  For whatever reason my boys (testicles for you smart people) weren’t producing sperm.  I will never forget the moment the doctor told me I couldn’t have kids.

After many tests my Urologist decided that a testicular biopsy was needed.  For those of you who don’t know what that is please allow me to explain.  They basically cut your boys down the middle and look inside.  Yeah it fucking sucks!!  It was one of the worse experiences in my life and yet it fails to compare to what happened when I came home from the hospital.

An hour after the surgery I was home lying in bed icing the boys.  The phone rang.  I heard Tina answer.  She walked into the bedroom and said it was the doctor.  The following conversation took place:

Doctor:  Nick, I am sorry to say, but we didn’t find any flow (his way of telling me I can’t have kids).

Me:  Ok. (I was still a little drugged out)

Doctor:  There is always adoption.  When you take your kid fishing for the fist time it won’t ever matter that they were adopted.

Me:  Absolutely…Thank you for calling. (Fucking heartbroken)

Doctor:  Get some rest, and just think about what I said.

He was a good guy and I know he was trying to help and be supportive, but none of what he said helped.  Shortly after hanging up the phone Tina told me she already knew because they told her while I was still in the operating room…damn women and their secrets.  I brushed it off like it didn’t really bother me and told Tina I was going to go to sleep.  She left the room and I cried like the baby I knew I would never have.

I had wanted kids my whole life.  I was one of those people that spent hours thinking about names and how I would teach them about basketball and cooking.  Hearing that all that time was basically wasted destroyed me.    For months following the surgery I found it hard to even think about kids.  Anytime I would see a family a small part of would die.  When I would hear people talk about the cute things their kids did I would throw on a fake smile and try not to show the person how much pain I was in.

Things have gotten better since then.  I have pretty much come to terms with all of this, but I still haven’t told many people about it.  Actually there is only about 4 people outside of my family and close friends that know.  I am not ashamed or embarrassed about not being able to have kids and my heart has mended enough to talk about it now.

Will I ever adopt a child?  I don’t know.  I am not against it, but I am not rushing into it right now.  We have our dogs and they are just like kids to us.  Maybe one day we will adopt, maybe we won’t.  All that really matters to me is that my wife and I are together and still madly in love.  The rest will eventually fall into place around us.  So there you have it people.  Take of it what you will.

Comments
  1. I have never been through this, but my parents have. My mother was not able to conceive. We talked for a long time one evening about it when I was an adult. I know it hurts. If you do decide to adopt, know that your child will love you completely…..just like I do my mom and dad.

  2. All that really matters to me is that my wife and I are together and still madly in love. The rest will eventually fall into place around us… and that is the truth. Hold fast to it. Live each day as it comes. Randy

  3. ryoko861 says:

    There’s always get a donor sperm, couldn’t you?

  4. twistedlola says:

    I think you’re awesome! I have tears in my eyes and what a great DAD you will be. Please at least keep it in your mind and don’t kill the idea. There are great kids out there that need a DAD like you. If I would’ve had just a bit of what you were wanting to do as a father for my kids…well….I’d be one hell of a happy girl! I admire you and your honesty. I believe you will save a child or children, someone that will need you as badly as you need them. Just my thoughts….

  5. As one who has adopted you will love the adopted child just as much as if you conceived it. Time will guide you in the direction that is best for you and your wife. Good luck

    • Nick says:

      We would love any child that comes into our lives. I always hated people who said adopted children really aren’t your kids. They obviously have no idea what they are talking about.

  6. thanks for sharing Nick, that was really touching. My lady and I had trouble having kids and finally it happened and then she ended up having an awful miscarriage. It was touch, your a sincere dude keep adoption in mind

    • Nick says:

      Very sorry to hear about your troubles sir. It sounds literally like the worse possible scenario ever. I can only imagine the two of you were heartbroken and for that I am truly sorry. Adoption is always on my mind. We talk about it every once in a while but just haven’t made the jump to do it.

  7. Reblogged this on A Spoonful of Suga and commented:
    touching story really moved me, read it!!!

  8. Thank you. Thank you for being man enough to just tell it like it is, and admit that you have feelings about it. Clearly we don’t always get our way in life, or you and your wife would already have a pack of kids, but it doesn’t mean that your options are gone, they are just more specific. I have a brother and a sister by blood, as well as an adopted sister, and I can tell you that not one of them means more to me than another. I don’t love anyone better, my parents didn’t treat anyone differently, and I honestly think I’m a better person because my adopted sister is in my life. Believe me there are thousands of kids sitting at home tonight dreaming that a great Dad like you will find them. Good luck!

    • Nick says:

      I have a brother that technically isn’t related to me at all. I will try to explain it real quick here. My older brother Scott has a different dad than me. His dad moved to New Mexico and had a son named Charlie. So Charlie is the half brother of my older bother which like I said technically doesn’t make him related to me. In my eyes though Charlie is 100% my younger brother and if anyone tried to tell me differently they would most likely get punched in the mouth. I am a firm believer that family isn’t all about blood relations. Its a bond that is held together by love.

      • ljr3 says:

        “family isn’t all about blood relations. It’s a bond that is held together by love.”
        That is so true. I learned that very early in life. I only had one grandparent that was blood related. The rest had passed on before I came along so the people I called my grandparents were not blood at all but I loved them every bit as much.

  9. Rj says:

    I’d donate my sperm to you guys, but you’re prob better off with someone else. Just saying. You guys are awesome and I truely do love both of you.

    • Nick says:

      This sounds strange to say, but if we were looking for sperm yours would be at the top of the list lol. You are a great guy and I am honored to call you my friend. My only worry would be the kid would come out with holes in his/her ears and they would have weird clicking ankles lol.

  10. machinamy says:

    Thank you for your candidness. As a person who has struggled with fertility issues, I can understand the emotional roller-coaster that comes with this sort of thing. I applaud you for being courageous enough to speak/write openly about it.
    What I found most admirable was your honest admission of your feelings of jealousy. I, too, have experienced that, and am sometimes ashamed to admit it.
    I am inspired by your post. Thank you.

    • Nick says:

      Thank you! I will always be the first to admit that I was jealous. It was so hard seeing people have what I wanted and couldn’t have. I’m glad i could inspire you even for just a moment. There are few times in life in which you have the chance to inspire others so when it happens I am honored.

  11. nimslake says:

    Unconditional love. It’s all we aspire to have in our lives. We take it any way it comes into our sphere and know that we are enriched with it. The next step is a surprise and it will be decided at the right time and only when your ready. “if you adopt, you share love that all need.” Be well and good luck on the journey…

  12. I am sorry however this was very well written. I think you sound like good father material. You will figure it out.

  13. Que says:

    Dr.’s know what they think they know. My sister was told she’d never have children. It took her and her husband years of trying and honestly once they stopped trying she was pregnant. She had her one and only child in her 30’s which was later than most of her friends but she was just elated to have a baby. Moral, the Dr.’s may be correct and you have prepared yourself for acceptance but don’t be surprised if you get a surprise one day. You and your wife seem awesome together. I believe God really does have a sense of humor and just when you think it won’t happen, it can. So never give up and hey trying is always fun:) Best wishes and happiness to you both however things go.

  14. Sheila says:

    I’m sorry to hear that. I can’t imagine what you and your wife is going through. Best wishes to you both.

    • Nick says:

      Thank you! It was a rough time for the both of us but we are making the best of it. True love gets you through a lot of stuff and I am proud to say that we truly love each other.

  15. Thank you so much for sharing such a personal thing… so tough these big life challenges (especially the life long, no real fix, challenges). I’m glad to hear you are madly in love and that, even if just for today, you are doing well!

  16. avwalters says:

    Having been in exactly the position you are in (only from the wife’s perspective) all I can say is that you have my sincere and heartfelt condolences. As for advice, you really need to have open and honest communication with you’re wife. Anything less can undo the two of you.

  17. amandameetsbook says:

    Awesome, inspiring, brave post! I’m so happy that you and your wife have a such a strong marriage! Adopt or don’t adopt when you’re ready. Either decision will be the right one for you. 🙂

  18. Sarah says:

    My parents were unable to conceive. And they adopted me. I can tell from your post that you would be and I think you WILL be (eventually) a phenomenal father. You definitely seem like you have a ton of love to share, and there are so many amazing kids who need that! Whatever you and your wife decide to do in the future, I wish you both the best!

  19. That must be tough but it’s so great that you guys pulled through, and you have each other for support. Your whole attitude about this shows you’re a great person and would be a great dad. “Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.”

  20. You’re very brave for sharing your struggles with fertility on your blog. You would make an awesome father. Whatever your wife and you choose to do I wish you both the best.

    • Nick says:

      Thank you! I really don’t consider myself to be brave, I just needed a way to get it out there without having to tell each and every person one at a time

  21. jimcolv says:

    Reblogged this on Simply Jimmy and commented:
    Talk about candidness…. The most moving thing I’ve read in a minute.

  22. hanktango says:

    It breaks my heart to hear that someone like you, who really wants kids, can’t have any. My my condolences!!!

    • Nick says:

      Thank you! It really upsets me when I hear people talking about not wanting kids. Maybe their opinion would change if they couldn’t have kids.

  23. hastywords says:

    Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal story. My heart aches for you in this situation.

  24. Roxanlita says:

    my grandfather can’t have kids and never has been able to all his children are adopted which of course means he is not biologically my grandfather but I love him and his kids all love him very much even the ones that werent adopted at birth that is their father 100%. If you do adopt I’m sure you will love that child with every bit of your being.

    • Nick says:

      Absolutely! I know if we choose to adopt that we would love them unconditionally. Like I mentioned above, blood doesn’t make someone family. Its the love they both share for each other.

      • Roxanlita says:

        that is absolutely right. my family is from all over the world not blood related and yet we are all family. No matter what you decide you are sure to have a lot of success with the way you see things ^_^

  25. Well I think you are amazing to share this private journey with everyone and I am sure that you have probably heard this before but… I just feel like there is something bigger to come for you than you can see or know at this moment but I just know that having to endure this is going to open a door to something great that you cannot yet see or know and you wont until it happens.
    I wish you and your wife the best and to be blessed in everything!

    • Nick says:

      Thank you for the kind words. I have always felt there was something more out there for me. I just wish I knew what it was and when it was going to happen lol

      • I know what you mean! I have had miracles happen and I know that anything we dream can be and come to light. I personally know people that have been told they cannot have a child suddenly appear pregnant. If the universe wants you to have a child it will know exactly the right time when you are ready and it will appear.
        For now just find your passion and follow it and you will be amazed how your journey will unfold.

  26. Thank you for sharing such a personal story. You are inspiring and I absolutely love how you closed this blog entry. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your wife through this difficult time. My husband and I are also mom and dad to a puppy and for now, that works. Hang in there.

  27. bootsiesimon says:

    I don’t know you, but I want to hug you. Thanks for sharing, I’m glad your heart is feeling better. 🙂

  28. seapunk2 says:

    You can love any child. There are children without parents waiting for you.
    I’m have lots of animals and love them, but it’s not the same, or even close to raising kids. Get a kid or two, adopt or foster. They need you.

  29. Amba Nair says:

    That was a very honest post. I have seen a lot of women blog/ heard them talk about infertility issues. Never have I heard of it from the man’s perspective. It is eye-opening to read about how heart broken you were. You know how we always think that stuff like this would never affect a man as much as it would a lady. Well I couldn’t have been more mistaken! I love the honesty with which you write and thank you for sharing your story with us. On the bright side you are sure to get a lot of prayers from people who wish you well, including me 🙂
    Prayers and Strength and Happiness to you and your wife! 🙂

  30. righttobitch says:

    God, this is a heart-wrenching account…Speaking this openly about such a personal experience takes a lot of courage. Wishing you the best of luck moving forward —

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