Its So Hard To Say Good-bye

Posted: July 10, 2012 in Rantings, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

On July 10, 2010 the world lost one of the most amazing people I have ever known.  Scott McKelvey was an icon and a legend to so many people.  To me, he was my brother.  I have never felt sadness like I felt the day I heard he was gone.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  It was a Saturday around 2:30pm, I was in the Back Office at my job preparing to go home when my phone rang, it was my sister-in-law.  I was busy so I didn’t answer but I kept feeling weird about the call because it had been some time since she and I had spoken.  I tried to go back to my work but I just couldn’t stop thinking about the phone.  In a way I wish I never picked the phone up and dialed her number, but that’s what I did.  The following conversation took place.

Lauren:  Hello

Me: Hey Lauren, its Nick, whats up?

Lauren:  Nick, its bad.

Me:  Whats bad?

Lauren:  Its Scott.  Think of the worse possible news and that’s it.

Me:  What?

Lauren:  Its bad Nick.

Me:  Are you telling me my brother is dead?

Lauren:  Yes

Not much of a conversation but it is one I will never forget.  Its one of the few conversations that has had a monumental impact on my entire life.  After I got off the phone with her I made 3 more calls.  The first to my mother who I applaud because even though I could hear the sorrow in her voice somehow was able to hold herself together better than I could.  The next call was to by younger brother Charlie.  That was the call that broke me.  Like me Charlie looked up to Scott and I knew that this news would destroy him as much as it did me which is why I wanted to be the one to deliver it. That call was so painful that I’m not even going to recap it on here.  I remember collapsing to my knees in the office trying so hard not to completely lose it but there was no hope for that.  After I hung up the phone with Charlie I called my wife Tina who I never really got to thank for this but I always wanted to.  She received a crazy call from me and instead of freaking out she stayed pretty calm and just asked a simple question….”You want to me to come get you?”  I never really thought about it but there was no way I could drive home and she knew that.  She didn’t hesitate dropping everything and running to my side.

To this day I can’t step foot inside my job without thinking about that day and those phone calls.  Every time I am in that back office and the phone rings I feel sick to my stomach.  Every time I work the 6-3 shift I find myself pausing at the end of my shift wondering if the phone will ring again.  My job has become such a horrible reminder of that day.  My manager unwittingly makes it a complete nightmare.  See my manager’s name is Scott.  In the last 15 years I have only called 2 people by that name and now every time I hear that name or have to say that name it breaks my heart.  I must be a glutton for punishment though because on a daily basis I find myself asking my manager stupid questions just so I have a reason to talk to someone named Scott again.  It must really annoy him or he must think I am an idiot for asking him so many ridiculous questions but its almost uncontrollable.  I obviously don’t think he is my brother by any means but somehow even though it hurts hearing the name Scott I still want to hear it.  Some part of me feels like this was all just a nightmare and I ‘m hoping that he will walk around the corner any day now.  But he won’t and that’s the real nightmare.

Comments
  1. Jim says:

    I’m sorry to hear this. Having met Scott a couple of times, I only have good things to say. It seemed that he really had a zest for life and there was a definite connection between you two which goes way beyond brotherhood. If you don’t mind me asking, what happened that he left us at such a young age?

    • Nick says:

      Thank you for the warm thoughts Jim. I don’t mind you asking but out of respect for my family we don’t discuss it. I hope you understand sir. But again thank you for the thoughts.

  2. Charlie says:

    I miss him so much. that was the Hardest day of our lives brother and its not getting any easier but I know our brother is looking out for us

  3. Rj says:

    Cheers to a great man! His legacy will live on forever.

  4. i am so sorry for your loss

  5. Dora says:

    So sad to hear of your loss. Losing your brother is losing part of yourself, your best friend, I’m so sorry for you. I lost my mother a couple years ago, I can understand your pain. Time will heal your heart but never completely, it’s ok though because it keeps us from forgetting our loved ones who have left to a better place. Thank you for the follow.

    • Nick says:

      Thank you Dora. I do feel like it in time I will be able to accept that he is gone and I am sure in that time my heart will heal some. I also agree that its the pain and sorrow that forever keep him on my mind. I would deal with this pain for the rest of my life if it meant I would never forget him.

  6. sued51 says:

    Nick, I’m so sorry for your loss. It was only 6 months before you lost Scott that I lost my father and I still miss him. I imagine a brother can be really tough because you expect them to be around you for most of your life. It is important that you remember him and as time goes on the memories will make you smile more than they make you cry…believe that he is in a better place.

    • Nick says:

      Thank you! I am also incredibly sorry for your the loss of your father. What I cry about the most is not the memories of the past, but more so that there will never be new memories to be had. If I live another 40 years, it will just be 40 more years that he won’t be a part of. And that’s what breaks my heart the most.

  7. Dave Brisbin says:

    So sorry to hear about your brother, Nick. Sounds like you’ve got some really good people around you, to help on anniversaries like that…

    • Nick says:

      Thank you Dave. You are right about my friends, they are simply amazing, and the new friends on this site have been great. Can’t thank you all enough!

  8. I am so very sorry Nick. I came to your blog to thank you for visiting mine and choosing to follow it, I picked a post of your’s by random. And it’s this, It’s a touching thing to read about such humble brotherly love. The memories you have of your beloved brother Svott will sistain both you & Charlie, if not now, soon.

    Be kind to yourselves during this time, it’s really important that you are being nurtured right now.

    Thank you for visiting my blog, I hope to see more of you in passing one anothers blogs~ BB

    • Nick says:

      Thank you for the kind words, it means a lot to know people out there have opened their heart to my family and I.

      Thank you coming to my humble blog, I can honestly say that I loved yours and will check it frequently!

      Nick

  9. Kate Swaffer says:

    Dear Nick,
    My sincere sympathies to you and your family for what I know must be a truly terrible loss. I lost my partner to suicide just over 27 years ago, and can say from my own experience the pain eventually goes away, but the memories will always be there. The other thing that is so hard to get used to is the ‘new you’, the person you have to become without them. Grief and loss can take years to heal; hang in there. Thank you too for joining my blog; as you will have read, there is always a new grief and challenge to get used to!
    Take care, Kate

  10. neelkanth says:

    I have gone through your write-up on Scott McKelvey. It is so touching and heart rending. I too join you in such an agony. May the departed soul rest in peace. I wish patience to the bereaved family.

    I owe you thanks for ‘following’ me. I too make a note to follow you with immediate effect.

  11. It is so hard when we the ones we love leave us especially when they are no longer in this world, with us, but they are always with us in out hearts and minds and spirit And maybe our dreanms and creations. I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

  12. Death, whether it comes quickly or slowly, always knocks you off your center. Grief is such a personal and lonely journey. May you travel with it knowing that the last thing that you are is alone.

  13. […] about how much I hated my life and how much I missed my brother Scott who had moved to Florida (Its So Hard To Say Good-bye).  I had so many thoughts in my head and couldn’t make sense of any of them.  And then it […]

  14. irishmrs says:

    So sorry for your loss. I lost my mom two years ago and I totally understand your wanting to talk to someone “just because they are named Scott”. I find myself doing the same thing and wanting to talk to people who remind me of my mom, so in some way, I feel like I am talking to her.

    • Nick says:

      Thank you, I am really sorry to hear about your mom as well. Him and I had such a great bond and there isn’t a second that passes I don’t think of him. I am sure your mom is always on your mind as well. They tell us what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger. The part they leave out is, that you will be scarred with the pain for the rest of your life.

      • irishmrs says:

        I feel your pain Nick. It is definitely a hard thing to deal with and not having them with us is almost surreal. I am still having a hard time believing that she is gone.

  15. […] a bunch of weight by doing nothing more than changing my diet and playing my Nintendo Wii.  Then something happened that made me stop caring about all of it.  I ate everything I could get my hands on, stopped […]

  16. […] mom was with a guy named Charles back in 1973.  They fell in love and ended up creating my Older brother Scott.  As things usually did back then, the relationship ended and Charles moved to New Mexico.  About […]

  17. […] I had a Brother that passed away 2 years ago.  If you don’t know anything about it read THIS.  After I lost him I searched for something to help me cope with  the sadness I had inside of me. […]

  18. Your brother was a lucky guy, having a family who loved him so much. I’m deeply sorry for the loss of your sibling.

  19. Wow.. I am so sorry for your loss. I just found your blog because you “liked” one of my posts. So glad to have found you!! And, deeply sorry for your loss.

  20. strawberryquicksand says:

    I can’t imagine your pain. If I were to lose my sister it would be the end of the world as I know it. I truly don’t want to “like” this post, but I have read it, and it brought me to tears. I’m so sorry for your loss, Nick.

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